Disclosure

Back in December, in a post titled Don’t Care Days, I revealed that I’d been exhibiting some of the symptoms of depression.  I’d taken one of the depression tests available online and come up moderate.  A doctor had suggested that I try an anti-depressant.   In my Monday Smiles the day after Christmas, I mentioned that I was having some medication side effects but I’ve said nothing more.  I’ve decided to post about the experience for two reasons.  For one, I’ve often said that we should not attach a stigma to mental illnesses like depression.  If I don’t talk about it … and post about it … I’m contributing to the notion that it’s something to be ashamed of.  I usually like to walk the walk.   Secondly, the experience has taught me something, given me a new senior perspective, and that’s what Older Eyes – Bud’s Blog is all about.   So, here we go.

The week before Christmas, I started taking citalopram, which is a generic for Celexa.  My doctor prescribed 20 mg but told me to take half a tablet for the first week because it could make me drowsy.  For three days, nothing, then dro-o-o-o-o-w-w-w-w-s-s-sy.   Sleep nine hours and take a two hour nap drowsy.   I was also jit-jit-jit-jit-jittery, hands shaking and feeling shaky inside.  It probably wasn’t that bad except it reminded me of the way I feel before I have a panic attack. which made me anxious.  After three days, I was considering stopping the medication but I read online that as the side effects wane, the benefits kick in.  It was true … by Christmas the shakiness had subsided and I wasn’t falling asleep on my feet.  I felt better.  Still, I decided to wait until we got home … another week … before I started the full dosage.  It took ten days for the side effects to hit this time, the severe drowsiness and the jitters.  Having lasted through it once made it easier this time.  It’s now been a lttle over four weeks.   The drowsiness has subsided and I only occasionally feel a little jittery.

A good friend of mine who has been on anti-depressants for years told me to ask other people for their opinion as to how the medication was working.   I asked Muri.  She told me that before I started the citalopram, I was ungabluzum, a Yiddish word she told me meant sour or unpleasant.  As it turns out, it means looking as if you are about to cry.  She probably meant umayngenem.  Either way, it wasn’t a complement.  I said, Really? feeling a little hurt … she’d always used the term to describe really sour people.  You just seem happier now, she said.   Two other people have noticed the difference in me.  From the inside, I wouldn’t describe it as happier … it’s just that every little thing doesn’t seem to drag me down into apathy, which I suppose makes me look happier.  So, for the moment, this medical experiment seems to be a success.  I’m gliklekh not unglabluzum.

But I also learned something about these drugs.  I know people who probably could benefit from this type of medication but refuse to take it because they don’t like the way it makes them feel.  It’s been really easy for me to say, Hey, you just have to get through the first few weeks … or think, How bad can it be?   What I learned is that if my side effects went on for much longer, I’d have stopped taking the medication.   I learned that side effects that seem to be interfering with my nervous system or brain function are much more disturbing than physical symptoms like an upset stomach or headache … and that to a person prone to panic attacks, they feel like anxiety.   I seem to have been lucky and hit something that works on the first try.   Many people have to try a number of medications before they find the right ones … I don’t know how many times I’d walk though that discomfort.  There’s probably nothing I can do with this new found knowledge except share it with you … and be more compassionate the next time I’m about to give free advice.

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Tags: antidepressants, depression, feeling older, health, perspectives, senior health

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