Busy. Useful.
A week ago, my morning email in-basket included a note from my friend, Ron. Are you available for lunch today? Innocuous for most people, not for Ron. Ron is not a man of few words … he is legendary around here for his long voice mails … so, I knew, something was wrong. I rearranged my afternoon plans with Muri and set a time to meet him at the local Chipotle for lunch. Ron is a managing partner of a small engineering company, one even smaller than mine. They had just lost a substantial job that they were counting on, which meant they might have to let people go. But that wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. I know I’m over-reacting, he told me over soft chicken tacos, but I was worrying about having to change jobs. Then it hit me – what if I have to retire? What will I do? So much of my self-worth is tied up in being the provider. Ron didn’t know it (until I told him) that he’d come to a moment that most of us reach when it’s time to stop working. We wonder: How will I stay Busy? How will I feel Useful?
Ron is about the same age that my brother-in-law, Norm, was when he retired in his fifties. Still working at the time, I used to kid that Norm wasn’t really retired … he just turned everyday tasks like shopping into projects complete
with schedules and PERT charts. Now, that I’m semi-retired, I understand … I, too, have a Project Book that I use to keep track of progress on my goals. Years of discipline don’t evaporate over night. And being disciplined about the things that keep us Busy makes them feel more Useful. When my business began to decline a few years ago and I contemplated retirement, I wasn’t worried about staying Busy. I had more interests than most anyone I knew: running, reading, music (both playing and listening), art. In my fifties, I’d rediscovered the joys of writing and thought I might write a novel. In my sixties, I started a blog. I had staying Busy taken care of. But I hadn’t considered how to feel Useful.
Feeling Useful seems to drive some of us more than others. For achievers like my friend, Ron, and I, it is the unwelcome guest who sneaks up behind us at our retirement party and whispers in our ears, How will you take care of me? 
A career provided the easy evidence of usefulness: a paycheck and recognition. When painting and drawing
and writing and blogging are hobbies, they are fulfilling but … hello … fulfilling doesn’t feel like Useful. I’m lucky in that periodically, a small job still appears at my door and I get to feel useful the old way. But that is a double-edged sword … it’s like a snort of the good stuff when most of the time, I’m sipping near-beer. But gradually, I’m reinventing what it means to feel Useful. Sometimes, it means service, like delivering Meals on Wheels or taking calls at the 12-Step office or sponsoring other men. Sometimes, it’s being creative … painting or writing and getting the gentle recognition that sometimes shows up in my comments section or as Likes. Over lunch, Ron saw a glimmer of the light. Now, I understand why you blog, he said. Other times, I take a spiritual approach, believing that God has given me a purpose in this world, even if I don’t know what it is at any particular moment. Then, when I begin to figure it out, life shifts again. This week, we won a very interesting job for a brand new customer. Yes, I’m excited but it means another ride on the usefulness merry-go-round.
In our society, retirement is often held up as a golden finish to a life well-lived. Commercials show happy older couples touring the world and salt-and-pepper gray men fly fishing in Montana. It is indeed worthwhile to discover the things you love to do while you have Younger Eyes so they can keep you busy in your later years. But it’s also worth some time to reinvent what it means to be Useful … Useful in a larger sense than making money and getting kudos. It will pay dividends later, I promise.
Explore posts in the same categories: feeling olderTags: feeling older, friends, helping others, humor, postaday, retirement
You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.
Older Eyes 
February 2, 2013 at 9:53 am
I think the age to retire has taken on a host of variables that didn’t always exist. The number of people that have pensions have fallen by the wayside. No longer are the interest rates on bank products producing substantial interest and the equity in people’s homes isn’t necessarily growing by leaps and bounds. (if it grows at all). Our accountant and broker tell us to retire but we are 5 years away from Medicare and social security. I don’t worry about social security but the cost of private insurance is so expensive that if for no other reason, I would think that we need to work for awhile more. At the rate things are going…how much money would a person need to retire??? The great unknown…
February 2, 2013 at 4:51 pm
Hmmm… I can see that I might struggle with retirement more than some. I already recognize that I don’t want to simply have a job. I want to have a job that’s fulfilling and provides recognition for work well done. While my coworkers periodically comment that they only have so many years left before they can retire, I rarely find myself looking ahead to days without a place to go or a specific schedule. You’ve opened my eyes a bit to the importance of fostering hobbies and interests and staying involved in activities or organizations that can fill time, usefully, during the retirement years. And I don’t deny that I often regret the fact that I don’t have more time to really immerse myself in my hobbies. I’m usually squeezing in some exercise, squeezing in a bit of writing that doesn’t accomplish nearly what I’d hoped. Guess I have some work to do before I retire!
February 2, 2013 at 10:52 pm
I think it is part of the human condition (for most men anyway) to tie their sense of self worth to what they do for work. Any time two men meet they ask …what do you do for work, where women ask about the kids…
February 3, 2013 at 12:18 pm
My father is very much like this. He’s 65 years old and he cannot even begin to consider retiring. He can’t even sit still on a Sunday without feeling restless. He has lots of hobbies like skiing, golf, tennis. But the man doesn’t know how to relax and just be in the moment. He’s also super ADD. And I have a feeling when and if he ever does retire he’s going to drive my mother insane.
I am so happy YOU rediscovered the joys of writing and started this blog, because its one of my favorite reads in all of the internet!
February 3, 2013 at 1:56 pm
Meleah, you abso-freakin-lutely made my day. Thanks.