Balls, Too

So, tell me, is it reality or is it a Saturday Night Live skit?

As the #DeflateGate controversy continues to overtake Super Bowl XLIX, the first tangible evidence other than footballs being underinflated (which the NFL has acknowledged) emerged Monday, when Jay Glazer of FOX Sports reported that a Patriots employee took a bag of football that had been inspected and approved by officials into a separate area. That individual has become, per Glazer’s report, a “serious person of interest” as to the question of how the footballs came to be underinflated. As PFT reported last night, adding to Glazer’s bombshell, the separate area was a bathroom in which the employee spent approximately 90 seconds.

Sorry SNL fans, this appeared in an article titled Can a bag of footballs be deflated in 90 seconds? on NBCSports’ Pro Football Talk page.  American sports media has lost its collective mind. How can SNL compete with this? And the funniest part is that to a man, the sports guys know it … all day on sports talk stations we hear, This has gotten ridiculous, it’s got to stop. But they can’t help themselves.   So here’s a preview of what Older Eyes thinks is next:

Jay Glazer and his crack team of reporters at Fox have determined from sources at the Foxboro Urinary Clinic that the serious person of interest has been diagnosed with benign prostatic hyperplasia and takes the drug Flomax twice a day. That increases the likelihood that he actually needed to use the bathroom on the day in question.   Glazer told NBCSports that, We are determined to discover whether he could take care of business and deflate a bag of balls in 90 seconds. Even with Flomax, Glazer has found that it takes the average man 40 seconds to take care of business at the urinal, so he would then have to deflate the balls in 50 seconds. On the other hand, Glazer is conducting experiments on his own using a stall to determine if both could be done at once in 90 seconds minus time for pants-down and pants-up. Using the stall would provide additional cover for the actual deflation, says Glazer. So far Glazer has managed to deflate at most 7 balls and each time, he’s wet himself. Glazer says, The Patriot employee has probably been doing this all year, so he’s got it down to a science. I’m pretty sure with some practice I can do it, too.  When I do, we’ll have video evidence.

A week ago this would have been SNL satire. But now? Would you bet against it?

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Tags: curmudgeonly rants, Deflategate, football, humor, satire, sports talk

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