The Grey-Ghost

This is a post from my art blog, Artsy. about depression. It is bit different than what I usually post here but given the effect of the the COVID-19 pandemic on our country, I think that it is pertinent.

A few weeks ago, I was Rambling on Older Eyes, about fighting depression as I deal with the shit-storm that life seems to have dealt me in 2020.   I’m certainly not alone.   Time magazine reports that since COVID infected its way into our lives, about twice as many Americans are reporting moderate depression and about six times as many severe.  My wife and I were still adjusting a move into our new home in Utah after living in California for 50 years when the pandemic hit.  Like many people we are dismayed by the political rancor in our country and the way it is making the pandemic worse.  Add my daughter and wife dealing with breast cancer and you have the kind of environment that drives me from mild to moderate on the depression scale in spite of a daily anti-depressant.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Dying of old age is not the same for everyone. Some are taken by diseases, some fast and ruthless, others that slowly sap away the will to live. I suppose you could include the process of aging into that latter category. For a long time, I’ve thought that for many of us, the feeling that we don’t recognize the world about us anymore is a prime contributor to that loss of will. That’s one of the reasons that I have worked hard to maintain a positive outlook on life in spite of my natural tendency to be cynical. a tendency that has earned me the nickname Bud Dark in certain circles. And that’s why the world I see around me right now scares me.

Feeling It

When I was 69 years old, my wife Muri and I were at a Neil Diamond concert at (of course) the Greek Theater. Isn’t it odd to see your childhood favorites age along with you? At the intermission, an older gentleman (six years older, to be exact) and I were talking. For some reason, he felt compelled to bestow on me these prophetic words: The road from 69 to 75 is a tough one. At sixty-nine I was blogging here regularly and based on my posts, several of my back-then readers had told me, You seem to have this aging down. I believed I did and so I filed the advice from my momentary concert acquaintance as his problem, not mine. But he was right.

Monday Smiles – 12/30/2013

If you’ve been coming around here for a while, you might guess that I am susceptible to the Post-Holiday Blues.  After all, I am passionate, which accentuates not just the highs but the lows.  I am prone to moderate depression and while medication has been helpful, some mild depression can still sneak by.  I am admittedly high-maintenance, requiring a variety of routines like journaling, 12-Step meetings and close friendships to keep my chin up.  Yes, meditation helps but for whatever reason, I don’t do it (see Resolutions in two days).  I am crazy about my grandskids and have just returned home to California from Christmas with them in Arizona.  Looking at pictures doesn’t come close to feeling their warm little selves by my side.

Pills and Prayer

I am having a pretty good month or two.   That is not to say everything has gone exactly as I’d want over this period of time or that I’ve been wandering around with a beatific smile on my face.   But I navigated my sixty-ninth birthday without spending hours ruminating about mortality … and a broken tooth that will eventually require major dental work didn’t send me into a tailspin.  Work has been occasionally intense but I’m finding myself fulfilled rather than frazzled.  I’ve simply been in a good mood for an old curmudgeon.   I like to think it’s because I’ve been paying more attention to the things that make me tick emotionally and spiritually.  I’ve been writing regularly, both here and in my journal.  I’ve been studying the 12-Steps again with a new sponsor and spending more time with the men I sponsor.   I’ve been taking time to read something inspirational every day (almost) and to pray more regularly.   I’d like to think that my attention to things spiritual is responsible for my improved mood.   But there’s more going on here.

Monday Smiles – 4/1/2013

Well, it’s been fun.   Really.     But I’ve finally realized that this blogging business is wasting too much time that I should be using to seek gainful employment.    And for what, a  few tens of readers, ninety percent of which are lurkers?   Looking back over my posts as I get ready to shut down Older Eyes, I realize what ego it takes to think that my life story, my meager spirituality, and my perspectives are of any value to anyone but me.    The answer to the question I posed on my home page … sage, curmudgeon, fool? … would seem to be fool.   I have a few other posts written which I’ll post during the week, a sentimental goodbye, I suppose … one last hurrah for my ego, then on Friday it’s the Delete Blog button for Bud.   To those who have taken the time to read my posts, thanks.   I hope you find what you’re looking for in the blogosphere.

Be sure to click — > Read More

Disclosure

Back in December, in a post titled Don’t Care Days, I revealed that I’d been exhibiting some of the symptoms of depression.  I’d taken one of the depression tests available online and come up moderate.  A doctor had suggested that I try an anti-depressant.   In my Monday Smiles the day after Christmas, I mentioned that I was having some medication side effects but I’ve said nothing more.  I’ve decided to post about the experience for two reasons.  For one, I’ve often said that we should not attach a stigma to mental illnesses like depression.  If I don’t talk about it … and post about it … I’m contributing to the notion that it’s something to be ashamed of.  I usually like to walk the walk.   Secondly, the experience has taught me something, given me a new senior perspective, and that’s what Older Eyes – Bud’s Blog is all about.   So, here we go.

Don’t Care Days

This week, someone I trust … someone who’s qualified to render an opinion … told me that she thought it might be a good idea for me to try taking an antidepressant.  No, she didn’t just offer her opinion out of the blue … I asked because I was having a Don’t-Give-A-Damn-Day in the middle of a Don’t-Care-Much-Month and I’ve been told by a friend who’s dealt with depression that, Depression isn’t being sad, it’s not caring about anything.   When I told Muri, she said that I’ve been a grumpy for about two months now.  Hmmm.  She’s right.   I went back and found a post titled  The Dark Side dated October 10th which talked about a spiritual approach to dealing with the darker aspects of life.   On November 11, I posted about that feeling of boredom, lethargy, or general dissatisfaction known as The Blahs.  In The Blahs, I offered a number of ways I try to improve my mood, including Morning Pages, walks in the park, gratitude lists and calls to friends.  I know that I’m high-maintenance but it’s

Going Home Happy

So, I’m upstairs in my brother-in-law’s house packing to fly home to California tomorrow and I realize … tomorrow’s Tuesday.   I jump on over to Blogdumps to find that it’s Top Sites Tuesday #58 … Two Thoughts on Tuesday.   It’s late.  We have a long day ahead.   Airports.   Flying.  But I haven’t missed a TST in months, so here we go …

Regretfully …

Well, it’s been fun.   Really.     But I’ve finally realized that this blogging business is wasting too much time that I should be using to seek gainful employment.    And for what, a  few tens of readers, ninety percent of which are lurkers?   Looking back over my post as I get ready to shut down Older Eyes, I realize what ego it takes to think that my life story, my meager spirituality, and my perspectives are of any value to anyone but me.    The answer to the question I posed on my home page … sage, curmudgeon, fool? … would seem to be fool.   I have a few other posts written which I’ll post over the weekend, a sentimental goodbye, I suppose … one last hurrah for my ego, then on Monday it’s the Delete Blog button for Bud.   To those who have taken the time to read my posts, thanks.   I hope you find what you’re looking for in the blogosphere.

Be sure to click — > Read More