Posted tagged ‘humor’

Talking to Animals

July 13, 2018

farsideI have always been a fan of Gary Larson’s Far Side and  this cartoon is one of my favorites.  It comes to mind every time I see someone having a long, one-sided conversation with their dog.  Really? my Inner Curmudgeon says.   It’s a dog.  Then I find myself at the cat rescue, where I volunteer, talking to the cats awaiting adoption.  Of course, I tell them all they are beautiful, but to the feisty  ones, I explain that they have to learn to be nicer if they want to find a home.   I tell the frightened or shy ones, We all love kitties here … there’s nothing to be afraid of.   And in the park, I talk to most of the animals, too, but especially the squirrels.   When a squirrel runs up, begging for a treat, I say, Hello, Little Man, then either offer them a peanut or apologize for not having any today.   Do you think its sexist that I call them all Little Man?   It’s hard to tell with squirrels with the evidence hidden behind that fluffy tail, and Hello Little Man / Girl, is so awkward.  I suppose I could say, Hello, Little Bushy Tailed One.  I talk to my grand-dogs, Roxy, Darla and Agnes, too, mostly to tell them what good dogs they are and to learn a few secrets about my daughter and son-in-law.    You know what they say … Out of the mouth of dogs. (more…)

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Monday, Monday

July 3, 2018

mondayThe weekend rolled to a close with Mrs Eyes nervously studying for her written drivers license test on Monday, and both Mr. and Mrs. Eyes taking cold showers because the water heater wouldn’t heat water.  Hmm, is it still a water heater or just a large useless tank full of water in the garage?   We’d have to wait until Monday to find out when the plumber was scheduled to come sometime after lunch.  Because Mrs. Eyes had an appointment to renew her license Monday morning at 10:40, and being the wonderful husband he is, he agreed to keep her company.  Appointment: a fixed mutual agreement for a meeting.  From the California DMV website: Welcome to the DMV Appointment System. For faster service, please schedule an appointment before visiting a DMV field office.  Seemed sure we’d be home by 1:00 pm to meet the plumber, right?   Wrong. (more…)

Being Bud

June 14, 2018

budThis week, three people posted on my Facebook page about the latest hurricane being named Hurricane Bud. My first thought was, Really? When did they start naming Hurricanes after men? After all, one of the riddles of my childhood was, Why do they only name Hurricanes after women? The (hilarious) answer was, of course, Because if they named them after men, they’d be himmicanes. Actually, they started using men’s names (along with women’s) in 1978. So here’s a thought … given the general confusion our species seems to be undergoing about gender, how long is it before we have gender-neutral names. And will we then have to use those names for tropical storms. And will they be called theyicanes?    Having a hurricane named after me left me feeling a bit conflicted. Most of my life I’ve been a very good student … A’s were preferable, as long as they didn’t take too much work, and anything below a B embarassing. So, shouldn’t I want my hurricane to be a Category 5 (156 mph winds), or at least a Category 4?  But do I want to have to see the devastation I caused on the evening news? I felt a little relieved when I read that I would probably blow myself out before I made land fall … but the notion was a little deflating, too. I was pleased to read this morning that I may bring desirable rainfall to Southern California in the next few days. Who doesn’t want to be desirable? (more…)

%#@&#$$ Cars

June 8, 2018

TLNo one has ever accused me of being a car guy, not because I don’t like cars but because I am too cheap and too practical to actually own one of the dozens of upscale vehicles that roam the streets around our neighborhood in North Orange County California. It probably didn’t help that I was burned twice by fun but unreliable vehicles early in my car owning life, a 1966 Alfa Romeo Spyder and a Fiat (Can you say Fix It Again Tony?) 850. Beyond those it has been Chevys, Toyotas and Hondas, all kept until their odometers were well beyond 100,000 miles. I am currently driving an 11 year old Acura TL, which was my big (for me) splurge when our business was doing very well. It is the best car I’ve ever owned but as its odometer inches toward 150.000 miles it is having senior moments more and more often. As I do with my senior friends, I try to be tolerant of its signs of age, but as my Acura’s issues become more bizarre, my patience is waning. (more…)

Coffeetoo

June 1, 2018

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As I get older, I find that the poignant feeling of nostalgia is becoming a regular companion. I suppose that 74 years of experiences … tastes and smells and what Jackson Browne calls the fragments of the songs carried down the wind from some radio … give me ample opportunity to touch some nearly forgotten moment.  I remember as my Dad was pushing into his eighties he became a sentimental old guy who would tear up regularly over memories. I know now that those weren’t usually tears of sadness but of gratitude for a good life.  This morning, as I was getting ready to go to the park, I had such a moment.

I do not go lightly into the park. I bring a briefcase full of electronics, pads and writing instruments. I bring a camera, and today, a light lunch, quickly assembled in our kitchen. I bring a large vacuum cup, usually filled with Diet Coke from Mickie Dee’s but today I didn’t want to stop so it was full of lime fizzie water from Trader Joe’s.  As I loaded my paraphernalia into my car, I remembered that I had a fresh pot of coffee brewing in the kitchen, so I went back for my travel cup. I’d left it upstairs, and as I retrieved it from the vanity, my wife Muri, said, Coffee, too? And instantly I was a child again, in my Mom’s kitchen. Dad was having a cup of coffee and I was having a Coffeetoo.  No, my Mom didn’t give me coffee.   She used to stir some Eclipse Coffee Syrup in a glass of milk for me.   The first time she made it for me, she said, Buddy, would you like some coffee, too? And from that day on, it was alwayscandy-cigarettes_1 known as Coffeetoo.  These days, I see kids coming out of Starbucks with their Moms carrying five buck concoctions of I don’t know what.   But that can’t hold a candle to my memory of a Coffeetoo with Dad, made especially for me by Mom.  And, by the way, nothing topped that off like a candy cigarette on the way to school.

Have a great weekend.

 

Driving Tests and Pedestrians

May 11, 2018

dmvThe great state of California requires drivers over seventy to take the written driving test every time they renew their license. This is in spite of the fact that as a group, drivers from 70 to 80 are safer drivers than drivers from 16 to 30 … and it is not until they pass 85 that the crashes per mile traveled comes close to that of drivers under 30. Can you say ageism? (of course, you can)  So, yesterday, I went to the DMV to take the test and renew my license. The written test consists of 18 questions on rules of the road and driving skills … getting 15 or more correct is a passing score. For the most part, the questions are easy, even if you haven’t reviewed the CA Driver’s Manual. If you are lucky, you might pass without studying. But there are always a handful of questions that require specific knowledge found only in the driver’s manual or the dozens of practice tests online.  It is illegal for a person 21 years of age or older to drive with a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) that is _____ or higher.  (a) .08%; (b) .10%; (c) .05%*. Or how about A white painted curb means: (a)Loading zone for freight or passengers;  (b)  Loading zone for passengers or mail only;  (c)  Loading zone for freight only**. (more…)

Pet Peeves

April 10, 2018

curmudgeonI didn’t sleep well last night.  Again.  And my lovely wife, Muri, tells me I was talking loudly and thrashing about when I was sleeping.  So, I’m tired.  I have things on my mind, medical issues to discuss with my doctor and personal things I don’t seem to be able to get to.  Muri is off for lunch and shopping with a friend so I’m alone in the park.  Usually that’s a good thing but today I’m in a mood.   My friend Ralph, who I usually meet for dinner on Tuesdays is sick.   The best way our of a pissy mood is often to write in my journal, put the garbage out, as I like to call it.  I don’t want to.  My Inner Curmudgeon is Outer.   So, in the interests of the safety of those around me, the best thing I can do is let him rant.   Here are a few of his Pet Peeves, things that get on his nerves as we go through our day. (more…)