Terrorist Squirrels

When you fill your yard with bird feeders, as I do, you are almost certain to attract other creatures.  In our yard, the bunnies sometimes join the quail picking through the seed dropped to the ground by the bluejays.  I don’t mind the bunnies.  I do mind the squirrels who climb the feeder poles to fill their cheeks several times a day.  There are an assortment of squirrel proof feeders available.  One type has a cage with openings too small for squirrels around the outside of the feeder.  I tried one of those and it worked on the squirrels … it also worked on the birds.  Not one would set foot inside the cage.  My brother has one that works by sensing the weight of a squirrel and starting to spin (using an electric motor).  I believe it’s called the Twirl-a-Squirrel.

The one I use is a little less high-tech.  When a squirrel climbs on it, his weight activates a spring that closes the feeding windows, but because some birds don’t seem to like this feeder, I still have one conventional (squirrel-accessible) feeder.   I’ve also been known to grease the feeder poles to make them harder to climb.   You should see the surprise on a squirrel’s face when he leaps with total abandon onto my greased pole and drops to the ground like a fireman.

The other day I looked out and saw a big fat rat climbing the pole.   I like squirrels except when they are raiding my feeders but rats are another story.  My son, who loves all animals, tells me that squirrels are rodents just like rats and I only like them because they have cuter tails.  I suppose he could be right … I like women more than men for the very same reason (I know, I know.  It was low-hanging fruit and I couldn’t resist).   But RAT just sounds nastier than SQUIRREL and rats certainly have a history to live down.  Yes, I know, these Anaheim Hills rats had nothing to do with the bubonic plague but I’m not sure I can forgive them as a species.  Anyway, there are sure to be rat-siblings and rat-cousins lurking in the underbrush.   One way to get rid of them would be to let our Siamese cat, Mr. P, out … he’s a fabulous hunter … but given the fauna of our hilly community, he’d possibly end up a coyote snack.  I guess I’ll just grease the poles again and search for other solutions in place like this and this.

A few weeks ago, as we were descending into San Lorenzo Seminary for my Men’s Retreat, a ground squirrel dashed under my wheels.  I hate the ka-flop-ka-flop of hitting an animal then seeing it reduced to road-kill in the rear view mirror, or worse, of it writhing around in pain, making me feel obliged to go back and finish the job.   I took endless crap about it from the guys all weekend.   It doesn’t take much to keep fifty men on retreat amused and picking on a compassionate, animal-loving brother made for great fun.  I was a good sport about it but I was dying inside ;).  Monday, as my wife and I were headed down the hill from our house, another squirrel tried the same stunt.  I jerked the wheel, managing to avoid him but I swear, as I looked back to be sure he was OK, he was giving me the finger with his tiny gray paw.   This morning as I was leaving the park, I just missed another one.   I’m beginning to wonder, is there a rodent conspiracy?    Are these Terrorist Squirrels sent to make me pay emotionally for my anti-rodent attitudes?

Is a bomb carrying rat next? Let me tell you this: when it comes to rodents, I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Explore posts in the same categories: curmudgeonly rants

Tags: , , , , , ,

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.

10 Comments on “Terrorist Squirrels”

  1. granny1947 Says:

    Oh Dear …a rodent conspiracy…that is enough to give you nightmares!

  2. The squirrels in my backyard are organized and militant.

    My father shoots his BBGun at them from his bedroom window, much like a sniper, to get them off the bird feeder.

  3. Oscar Says:

    WOW!! We have similar issues!!! We need a meeting of the minds!!!

    WHere is San Lorenzo.. Texas?

    • oldereyes Says:

      I’ll let you know if I find anything. It’s good to know you are a bird feeder. San Lorenzo in near Santa Ynez, the wine country where Sideways was filmed. Good to see you back!

  4. territerri Says:

    I bought my hubby a squirrel proof feeder for Christmas. It’s called the Yankee Flipper and has a motor driven rotating perch. I’m still waiting for him to install it in the yard. Then I’m having a squirrel watching party on the back deck!

  5. Love your humor when, as you put it, your resistance is low -I do the same thing pretty much, if some little morsel presents itself to me to make a joke out of it! And definitely agree with your take on squirrels vs. rats too! Big time, on that one. And, the compassionate driver, with second thoughts after clipping a squirrel with the car, yeah, I can share your sentiments on that too! I once, way back shortly after I got my license (in the dark ages, ya know) hit a rabbit. My neighbor’s son, who was at the time probably about 15, was with me and I stopped the car and made him go pick the rabbit up off the road. A week or so later, he was riding with me again when a robin flew into the grill on my Mom’s old car, successfully committing suicide and I started to wig out about having killed the robin. The neighbor’s son told me then and there that no, he was NOT going to get out and pick the bird out of the grill!

    • oldereyes Says:

      Oh, I’m worst when I hit a rabbit … I love the little critters although they ravage our yards here in CA and in AZ. As a twenty-something, I hit a deer on the back roads of Connecticut. I was driving my first car, a brand new Alfa Romeo … and was I ticked off. Felt no remorse for that one. Truth is, I was lucky it didn’t come through my windshield but I was young and immortal.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: