Terrorist Squirrels

When you fill your yard with bird feeders, as I do, you are almost certain to attract other creatures.  In our yard, the bunnies sometimes join the quail picking through the seed dropped to the ground by the bluejays.  I don’t mind the bunnies.  I do mind the squirrels who climb the feeder poles to fill their cheeks several times a day.  There are an assortment of squirrel proof feeders available.  One type has a cage with openings too small for squirrels around the outside of the feeder.  I tried one of those and it worked on the squirrels … it also worked on the birds.  Not one would set foot inside the cage.  My brother has one that works by sensing the weight of a squirrel and starting to spin (using an electric motor).  I believe it’s called the Twirl-a-Squirrel.

The one I use is a little less high-tech.  When a squirrel climbs on it, his weight activates a spring that closes the feeding windows, but because some birds don’t seem to like this feeder, I still have one conventional (squirrel-accessible) feeder.   I’ve also been known to grease the feeder poles to make them harder to climb.   You should see the surprise on a squirrel’s face when he leaps with total abandon onto my greased pole and drops to the ground like a fireman.

The other day I looked out and saw a big fat rat climbing the pole.   I like squirrels except when they are raiding my feeders but rats are another story.  My son, who loves all animals, tells me that squirrels are rodents just like rats and I only like them because they have cuter tails.  I suppose he could be right … I like women more than men for the very same reason (I know, I know.  It was low-hanging fruit and I couldn’t resist).   But RAT just sounds nastier than SQUIRREL and rats certainly have a history to live down.  Yes, I know, these Anaheim Hills rats had nothing to do with the bubonic plague but I’m not sure I can forgive them as a species.  Anyway, there are sure to be rat-siblings and rat-cousins lurking in the underbrush.   One way to get rid of them would be to let our Siamese cat, Mr. P, out … he’s a fabulous hunter … but given the fauna of our hilly community, he’d possibly end up a coyote snack.  I guess I’ll just grease the poles again and search for other solutions in place like this and this.

A few weeks ago, as we were descending into San Lorenzo Seminary for my Men’s Retreat, a ground squirrel dashed under my wheels.  I hate the ka-flop-ka-flop of hitting an animal then seeing it reduced to road-kill in the rear view mirror, or worse, of it writhing around in pain, making me feel obliged to go back and finish the job.   I took endless crap about it from the guys all weekend.   It doesn’t take much to keep fifty men on retreat amused and picking on a compassionate, animal-loving brother made for great fun.  I was a good sport about it but I was dying inside ;).  Monday, as my wife and I were headed down the hill from our house, another squirrel tried the same stunt.  I jerked the wheel, managing to avoid him but I swear, as I looked back to be sure he was OK, he was giving me the finger with his tiny gray paw.   This morning as I was leaving the park, I just missed another one.   I’m beginning to wonder, is there a rodent conspiracy?    Are these Terrorist Squirrels sent to make me pay emotionally for my anti-rodent attitudes?

Is a bomb carrying rat next? Let me tell you this: when it comes to rodents, I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

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Tags: birding, curmudgeonly rants, humor, nature, postaday2011, rats on birdfeeders, squirrels

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